honestly, i don't believe we as humans have fully grasped a concept of happiness. however, we have mastered the artforms of heartbreak and silence. both of which, i can't understand why anyone would want to settle for.

i've come to the conlcusion lately that people do not speak up about their hearts near enough. the silence we keep is slowly killing us. you need to say what you need to say. you need to let others know your thoughts and who you are, because otherwise this existance we have been blessed with becomes a falsehood, our existence meaningless.

you were given the gift of expression, powerful and strong. why would you ever deny yourself that chance?

and to all of you, i won't deny it to myself any longer. and honestly, i fully encourage you to do the same.

and for that, my friends, the confessions come:

i appreciate you.
i am still very much in love with you.
i will never forget the power you gave to me.
i wish you all the best.
i wish you can grasp the concept of happiness one day.
i hope that one day you will find yourself.
i believe that one day you will find the love you seek.
i trust that your inner peace will show itself one day.
i promise the ache for another will subside.
i can attest that maturity does not simply mean growing older.
i know that you are beautiful, completely.
i pray that your inner demons fade.
i feel that your true self is more powerful than you can understand.
i wish you could remember those infinite times and know your life was right.
i know that your life is perfect, by your means, and not those of others.
i am afraid that these realizations will never come into fruition.

but most importantly, i know that every single one of you is shaping me to becoming that person who knows that love, happiness, peace, trust and honesty is worth the fight and the struggles they take to gain them.

and i love you.
with every single beat of my heart.

i'm dehydrated from all of those "happen to forget" details
and after an hour, my eyes are on fire and i'm just
crawling
because of the surging current undermeath my skin
and i can't breathe
because my lungs are unsure how to function
since my heart dropped to my stomach
and left all that room for themselves

im sick of the cursor in a box
being the only way
you
can
actually
speak to
ME. all i ask is that you be the you i once had the pleasure of knowing
why is that so god damned difficult...
but it's so easy to feed me bullshit?

i just want to crawl into bed and spend the traveling sun's time wrapped away from this
but how can i know that you won't be a fucking nightmare for me?
i don't
wait... i do, because everything you do puts me in a cold sweat and
absolutely makes me sick
to think you can ever be
trusted

hey nightmare, make my dreams come true and
stop vomiting back
what you think i want to hear
and do what you really want to do
likelieandhideeverythingandruinyourselfwiththoseassholesyouapparentlydon'twanttobecome

fuck. this.

it feels like it's ending- like it's flailing from my grasp. why would someone become the anti-them? it's completely not like you to have such a bitter taste in my mouth, but then again, it might be.

so, what do you really expect of me? i used to be able to breathe and make you smile. now, my worthless self is broken, and my heart is sinking with your prevelant ignorance, the weight of which only makes my arms numb because it's me who's holding myself at night.

and guess what? that's the heart that developed in a mere 18 days.

what the hell? you've never brought real, truthful speech from my tongue. so fuck you. maybe i'll get that tattoo you grind your teeth at the thought of. maybe i'll chop my hair off like i say when you groan in remorse- maybe i'll just go fucking drink myself stupid and forget to mention all of it.

hey so-called (and self-proclaimed) lover of the year, my sexuality is for ME and you need to remember that. and sometimes, you're lucky enough for me to share that with you. so don't flaunt that around. don't take me for granted. and you sure as hell need to learn to respect that, because this girl is one angry bitch because of you.

oh, sorry.

this girl is one angry,
CONTROLLING
bitch.

right?

i mean, it's not like i should worry, especially after being given the short end of the truthful stick time and time again.

i'm tired of fucking worrying about you. i'm tired of being placed in the ultimate subsersive role.

so guess what? i'm not going to anymore- that ring was getting heavy anyway.

i hope your arms go numb.

please be wrong.
be oh so very wrong.

i can't name you. i hope you're still that face.

and if you're not, please, don't hate me.